A New Schedule for a New Year

Including the Fool-Proof Combined Gluten-free, Cake-pop, & Dialysis Diet Strategy

David Drury

Dec 29, 2021

For several years I’ve looked upon New Year’s Resolutions with some sense of skepticism. Sorry. I’m a skeptic.

I resonate with Henry Moore, who said, “I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s.”

The reason why might be best captured in this cartoon from the wonderful Nathan W Pyle:

Emerson agreed with the sentiment in this:

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson.

By the way, Emerson became awesome despite having both the first name, “Ralph” and the middle name “Waldo” so there’s hope for us all in the new year.

2021 Behind Us

I don’t know about you, but I’m glad to see 2021 in the rearview mirror. But in light of a not-so-good 2021, I figure I should take a second gander at forming some New Year’s Resolutions for 2022. So I’ve gone back to a schedule I made and failed at in the past, and revised it for this year.

G. K. Chesterton (no small skeptic himself) analyzed the meaning of making New Year’s Resolutions well here:

“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.” – G. K Chesterton

Of course, when I said “no small skeptic” above about Chesterton you may have suspected that it was a fat joke. That dude was enormous! Chesterton should have had a New Year’s Resolution about not eating so many roasted pheasants in one sitting each day. He was known to wear two watches for each time zone his body was in. You might be offended by these fat jokes and say Chesterton never hurt anyone, but remember, I am also somewhat large, so he is “my people,” and I should add that they say that Chesterton was the one who gave Dracula diabetes, so he wasn’t entirely harmless.

MEANWHILE, I have resolved, in light of my physical if not intellectual similarities to Chesterton, and also because of the social media obsession of many of my friends, to eat something gluten-free multiple times a day, even if it tastes horrible. Also, the “cleanse diets” intrigue me but they seem like half-measures. So I’m inventing a new “dialysis-diet cleanse.” People are always saying the food I’m eating is clogging up my arteries. So exchanging my blood should help. I’ll let you know how it works out. I also want to spread cheer with something I see every other tile on Pinterest–so multiple times a day I’m going to give a creatively decorated cake-pop to a child and so shine a good deed in a weary world.

I also plan to merge all of the current trendy workout plans into one epic exercise routine which I am calling the “High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout.” I might write a book on it but I will likely rename it as the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego Plan, for Christian marketing reasons, obviously.

Unlike most people who self-actualize through their resolutions, as a people-pleaser I instead express my resolutions as a reflection of everyone’s expectations for me. So here is my new Daily Schedule… laid out hour by hour and minute by minute for the coming year. After considering all the advice I received in recent years this is what my days will look like from now on:

David Drury’s New Schedule for the New Year:

AM

WAKE UP ROUTINE

6:00 AM Wake up

6:00-6:05 Take slow and regulated deep breaths before I get up

6:05-6:10 Kneel beside by bed and pray the Lord’s Prayer to prepare for the day

6:10-6:15 Drink a glass of water (1 of the 8 required each day)

PHYSICAL EXERCISE

6:15-6:30 Drive to gym

6:30-6:35 Pre-workout stretching

6:35-6:40 Berate my out-of-shape self in the mirror for negative motivation

6:40-6:45 Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to the first child I see this day. Argue with any parents present about whether eating a cake-pop for breakfast is wise.

6:45-7:00 High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

7:00-7:05 Try to act natural and not look like I’m the “New Year’s Resolution Workout Guy”

7:05-7:25 Dialysis-diet cleanse

7:25-7:45 Body tone weightlifting

7:45-7:50 Cool-down

7:50-7:55 Post-workout stretching and Instagramming selfies to prove I work out

7:55-8:00 Weigh myself and find out I haven’t lost any weight yet as usual

8:00-8:05 Cry in the shower to hide my girth, shame & tears

8:05-8:08 Groom beard and inexplicably fast-growing ear and nosehairs

8:08-8:10 Brush and floss

8:10-8:15 Drink a glass of water (2 of 8)

8:15-8:30 Drive home

BREAKFAST

8:30-8:45 Eat something gluten-free, even if it tastes horrible (examples of handy gluten-free snacks around my home: uncooked hinode rice, styrofoam packing peanuts, and dry mulch.)

8:45-9:00 Sit up straight and fully chew my breakfast instead of gulping it down

9:00-9:05 Drink a glass of water (3 of 8)

9:05-9:10 Read twitter and news websites to stay up on current events

9:10-9:15 Share, retweet or post my own very divisive political statements based on how angry the news made me

SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT

9:15-9:18 Review past memorized scripture verses and feel guilty about my tweets

9:18-9:22 Time alone to listen to a clip of The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast

9:22-9:23 A moment to be depressed in response to the podcast

9:23-9:24 Prayer time for anyone I know who is sick from COVID, inconvenienced because they tested positive from COVID asymptomatically, or for those who are so mad about the inclusion of this in my schedule that they want to punch a flight-attendant in the face.

9:24-9:29 Time to memorize new verses

9:29-9:34 Time to deeply study a chapter of the Bible

9:34-9:35 Time to review verse I just memorized but already forgot

9:35-9:38 Prayer time with my family

9:39-9:40 Post a TikTok video of my family praying together while doing a trendy dance to impress my friends and seem more spiritual than them, and also garner more clicks

MORNING TO-DO LIST

9:40-9:45 Do the dishes now that I’m done working out, eating and developing myself spiritually

9:45-9:50 Read Christian books which will have great covers but only have one meaningful chapter in them and the rest is just fluff to expand it into a full sized book

9:50-9:55 Wake up and read material on writing to develop my craft

9:55-10:00 Journal to express my soul and develop a free spirit in writing

10:00-11:00 Actually write articles and book chapters

10:00-10:29 Promotion of my writing to agents and publishers, including cash bribes

10:29-10:31 Brush and floss

10:31-10:40 Fix things in my house that have been broken since the pandemic started

10:40-10:50 Dialysis-diet cleanse (I imagine this needs to be done many times a day to be effective.)

10:50-11:00 Perform car maintenance

11:00-11:20 Vacuuming and dusting

11:20-11:25 High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

11:25-11:30 Shower

11:30-12:00 Delete all emails and messages I received the day before. Achieve daily Inbox Zero required to maintain sanity, even if it means I’m not responding to anyone.

PM

LUNCH

12:00-12:15 Eat something gluten-free, even if it tastes horrible

12:15-12:20 Drink a glass of water (4 of 8)

12:20-12:35 Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to a child

12:35-12:50 Skim read The New York Times while watching Fox News in order to off-set one another.

12:50-12:55 Brush and floss

AFTERNOON TO-DO LIST

12:55-1:05 Spend quality time with my daughter by exchanging texts with her in which she responds with only reactions or the occasional “k” meaning “okay” or a “nah” meaning, “There’s no way I’m doing that right now, Dad.”

Warm Months:

1:05-1:45 Lawn fertilization, aeration, irrigation, patching, seeding, protecting, growing, re-fertilizing, coddling, winterizing, mowing, showing off for neighbors, etc.

1:45-2:10 Tend to garden to ensure I am getting home-grown all-natural vegetables and fruit in my new gluten-free diet.

2:10-2:15 Search internet to discover which fruits and vegetables might actually be full of gluten and killing me.

2:15-2:30 Can or dehydrate foods for the long winter, to assist my Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego Plan

OR Cold Months:

1:05-1:45 Snow removal

1:45-1:50 Dress more warmly

1:50-2:00 Drink coffee to stay warm

2:00-2:15 Huddle pathetically in corner while teeth chatter

2:15-2:30 Open packages and dehydrated food from the summer

2:30-2:40 Search internet to discover whether dehydrating my actually secretly infuse things with gluten which is killing me.

2:40-3:00 Drink a glass of water (5 of 8) while on hold during my planned daily customer support session

3:00-3:10 High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

3:10-3:15 Shower

3:15-3:30 Visit elderly shut-ins to show respect and love to my forebears

3:30-4:00 Volunteer my time at local community service organizations, and soup kitchens

4:00-4:15 Post volunteerism pictures on Linked-in and Facebook so as to appear to be a kind-hearted servant-minded soul to potential employers.

4:15-4:55 Dialysis-diet cleanse

4:15-4:55 Watch “Dr. Phil” while getting my Dialysis-diet cleanse in order to gain new life strategies and homespun professional “get real” wisdom that gives me a new perspective by featuring astonishingly idiotic people (including Dr. Phil) which the camera will zoom in on so close I can count their nose hairs.

4:55-5:00 Clean up my vomit after watching Dr. Phil

5:00-5:05 Brush and floss (because of the aforementioned Dr. Phil related vomiting)

5:05-5:15 Write letters to long-lost friends to ensure we stay in touch

5:15-5:18 Look up long lost friends whose names I forget on Facebook and “add friend” to them

5:18-20 Deny the friend requests of old friends who want to connect with me after seeing their last five public posts were all kinda sorta scary

5:20-5:25 Write letters to television companies to beg them to stop creating endless amounts of reality television and game shows

5:25-5:30 Chat with neighbors across a fence to gain a sense of old-timey community in our neighborhood. Consider grooming an old-timey mustachio to enhance the feeling.

DINNER

5:30-5:45 Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to several children in the neighborhood. When they decline because they aren’t supposed to take candy from strangers just put them in their mailboxes.

5:45-6:00 Eat something gluten-free, even if it tastes horrible

6:00-6:05 Sit up straight and fully chew my dinner instead of gulping it down, which isn’t hard since it’s gluten-free so I don’t really desire to swallow it

6:05-6:10 High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

6:10-6:15 Shower

6:10-6:15 Brush and floss

6:15-6:20 Drink a glass of water (6 of 8)

EVENING PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

6:20-6:30 Read the daily articles about the latest culture war controversy involving evangelicals

6:30-6:40 Write rants about the above on social media

6:40-6:50 Apologize to friends who are upset by my rants, because they are either far too conservative, or liberal, or in many cases, both

6:50-7:00 Delete previously posted rants and replace them with pictures of cute cats, generic scripture verses, and obscure Sci-Fi memes, or if possible via Photoshop, all three at once

7:00-7:20 Watch videos, listen to podcasts, or read articles from semi-celebrities I know online. Mention or tag them in tweets and posts so they feel that they “sorta owe me one later” so they might do the same thing back to me tomorrow, which they won’t.

7:20-7:30 Cycle through my Facebook feed and click “Like” on everything my friends posted while they were “working from home” that day

7:30-7:40 Cycle through my Twitter feed and retweet the best examples of people trying to impress the world with their clever wordsmithiness and hashtaggery.

7:40-7:45 Wish happy birthday to my 4 friends per day (on average, literally) that had a birthday that day, adding to the list of 300 other people that did the same thing so that it is completely meaningless to everyone and the folks who had the birthday don’t even read them all

7:45-7:50 Respond to all urgent texts from the day by saying “Srry I just got this. Was in mtgs. Too late?”

7:50-8:00 Dialysis-diet cleanse

8:00-9:00 Watch one hour of Succession, Dopesick, The Chair, The White Lotus, Mare of Easttown, Squid Game, and other shows I’ve never seen but people tell me I HAVE to start watching which is like a new kind of streaming homework we give each other

9:00-9:10 Cancel my seven excess streaming subscriptions after realizing these shows aren’t likely as life-changing as they are cracked up to be.

9:10-9:15 Drink a glass of water (7 of 8)

PRE-SLEEP PREVENTION TECHNIQUES

9:15-9:25 Read a story to my last child in the home to prevent guilt for not doing this enough when all the kids were younger. Consider doing it by Facetime to her portable device to keep her attention and so I don’t have to get up.

9:25-9:30 Brush my teeth to prevent tooth decay while sleeping

9:30-9:35 Floss to prevent future root canals

9:35-9:40 High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

9:40-9:45 Shower including nail trimming & wart removal to prevent grossing other people out

9:45-9:50 Stretch to prevent back trouble while sleeping

9:50-9:55 Eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away

9:55-10:00 Re-brush teeth and floss after eating the apple

10:00-10:05 Fluff pillow to prevent stiff-neck

10:05-10:10 Kneel beside bed and pray the serenity prayer to prevent demon possession while asleep

10:10-10:30 Read 1/365th of the Bible to ensure I read the whole thing every year and prevent going to hell as many imply

10:30-10:40 Adjust daily to-do list for the following day to prevent lapse into last year’s endless cycle of loserdom

10:40-10:45 Get into chiropractor-prescribed bed to ensure no curvature of the spine

10:45-10:50 Lay on side to prevent snoring and thus prevent divorce

10:48-10:49 Think non-stressful thoughts to prevent bad dreams or insomnia

10:49-10:50 Get back up to stressfully drink a glass of water which I forgot to do earlier (8 of the 8 required each day)

10:50-10:55 Go to the bathroom, for the first time today

10:55-1100 Give myself a creatively decorated cake-pop. Chew while crying self to sleep.

11:00PM Sleep 7 hours of a minimum of 8-10 hours I am told we require (there is too much of all this stuff in one day to get the 8 hours… you have to cut somewhere!)

There you go… that’s my coming daily schedule. Sounds great, doesn’t it? After I do this for the next 365 days I’ll be in great physical and spiritual shape and all the things everyone has been telling me I need to do daily will get done. I will finally be pleasing everyone with my life!

Of course, I had to leave out a few things in order to make this daily schedule of priorities work:

Yes, there is no time for any friendships. Sorry. Nice knowing ya!
My family also does not receive much time in this plan. My wife and kids will have to tend to themselves for a few years while I get in spiritual and physical tip-top shape.
Also, I will have no time for any work, which will mean I’ll lose my income and my home and perhaps my family (if they don’t leave me first after ignoring them for a year to do all this stuff).

But those losses are no doubt a small price to pay for what matters most: pleasing everyone else with my spiritual and physical health! Check back in a year and see how I’m doing.

So, what are your New Year’s Resolutions?